


For The Lacunae Inside You

by leicura



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: M/M, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-08
Updated: 2020-11-11
Packaged: 2021-03-09 02:06:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,524
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27456940
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/leicura/pseuds/leicura
Summary: There is a question that lingers on my lips, my love.‘In what way could the act of love guides you in your steps?’I seek for the answer high and low,Wondering if the answers were in the earth it sleeps,Or in the sky, it soars and in the wind, it delves!It took years, my dear love!The answer has always been so close!
Relationships: Jung Yoonoh | Jaehyun/Wong Kun Hang | Hendery
Kudos: 7





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This work shall be in chapters and worse of it all: Irregular updates.  
> Enjoy and thank you for liking it (if you do like it)

## CHAPTER 001

_‘In what way could the act of love guides you in your steps?’_

His eyes that bore onto the typed question were dead for the world to see. As a result of his sore body from yesterday’s volleyball match, such a question did not motivate him into thinking any further --- All he could think of was to sleep and any form of thinking was considered as straining effort.

The question though was stimulating enough for him to ask himself,

"Why did I even sign up for this class?"

Following that, rustling sounds that were unison and Jaehyun definitely could feel daggering eyes staring onto him.

The student-athlete did not need to raise his head to know that he might have voiced his thought out loud but he did try to get a glimpse of his Professor's expression. Much to his surprise, the older man just smiled without any malice and it did not put him at any ease until,

"Perhaps to fill in your credit hours, am I right, my boy?" The educator chuckled.

When the other students laughed too, he somewhat felt at ease but one of them did not do just that; In fact, he looked quite disinterested at the comedic bit in this classroom that made the mumbler slightly uneased.

Not everyone appreciates a humorous setting in an academic session, the student supposed to himself. He should not be surprised by such a fact.

For every one is not the same.

For everyone has their streak.

This rings much true especially for someone who oddly had metal bricks sitting on his shoulders, peculiar enough, that is what Jaehyun had seen on that person’s shoulder. Magically, few encounters before today were not there in Jaehyun’s sight but now… he could see it as bright as a day.

However, that did not stop Jaehyun from reaching out to the other ---

‘Hey there, Xiao―’

‘It’s Wong,’

‘Right, Wong Jin―’

‘Hendery,’

‘Right, Hendery, apologies but for that class just now...’ The Volleyball student cleared his throat as he knew very well that he should be getting towards the point rather than dillydallying someone’s time.

On the other note, he believed that he will be ignored the minute his lips moved so he was a little dazed when the other responded to him.

‘I was wondering if I could snap some pictures on my phone? I mean, Snap some of your notes using my phone’

The University’s ace setter did notice how the other eyebrow was quick to raise in scrutiny upon his first question. It did not make any sensible sense so he knew he had to word it off better.

‘Considering you know―’

‘I know, we all have been considering how dull the lecture could be... Yeah, I know’

To him, it resembled a magic trick when the other had his notebook open and revealed a tidy hand-writing.

What surprised him the most was how carefully the important points of the lecture was coded by the usage of highlighters, boxed pieces of information as if it was in a textbook.

‘Wow, you did all of this while listening to it?’

‘It helps keep me awake in the class rather than falling asleep if not my head would have been on the desk’

Ah. So it was not out of disinterest but rather this person was just.. tired?

There was no continuation to his inquiries as to the sound of the camera shutter filled in the gap between them only to be followed by the sound of Hendery’s phone ringing.

In Jaehyun’s defense, he did not mean to pry onto someone’s conversation but his athlete self could not help but perk at the mention of “club”, “swimming”, “captain”, “missing out” and “practice” that was articulated by the owner of a very tired face. The sigh that was labored by the latter too sounded very dissatisfied.

‘I did not know that there is another athlete in the class than I am… I didn’t mean to be a nosy one but you’re in the swimming team?’ Jaehyun did not shy away from wanting to know the person standing in front of him.

‘You got that right,’ Hendery however manage to crack a weak smile as a response though it quickly dissipated; as if he could not even muster a smile now.

‘Things are getting rough there?’ The volleyball player extended his hand to return the notebook.

‘More like everyone is on their toes considering the open tournament is around the corner and… the captain would hate an absenteeism but I have to report one shortly’ The owner swiftly placed it into his bag.

‘I guess I will see you around?’

‘See you around then,’

* * *

The sound of soles squeaking against the floor is something that is not foreign to Jaehyun as he has been introduced into the court at the tender age of seven. His older brother was a volleyball player and it was natural for Jaehyun to get hooked on the sport himself. The way that the ball meets the floor which eventually produced a satisfying slamming sound too is music to Jaehyun’s ear.

The sweat that dropped onto the floor, the pain on his hands and legs are just small price to pay to be where he is now. In a team that will guarantee his success in the future.

‘I know this a dumb question,’ Jaehyun started the conversation

‘I am very much aware that everything that came out of your mouth is usually dumb but go on, ’ Johnny smirked before chugging on the cold isotonic drink.

‘Is our swimming team good? I just knew that we had one,’ Jaehyun then grabbed his share to quench the thirst.

‘Oh? I thought you knew about their existence! Yeah, they are good! If I am not mistaken… they rank… about fourth among all varsities? You know, at least they are in top five,’ Johnny shrugged his shoulders a couple of times.

Jaehyun must rely on hearsay then before he could get the fact from Hendery himself. This would be next week considering the timetable they share allow them to meet once a week.

‘Why? You met someone cute from the swimming team?’ Ah, Jaehyun should have seen it coming that the other may have come to a hypothesis.

‘I just knew that there is a student in my class who is in the team… took me half the semester to know this,’ It was a shame for the setter, thinking that they could have bonded over sports hence finding a new friend.

‘Hm…. Ah, wait, I think I remembered their star swimmer!’ The statement caught Jaehyun’s attention without fail after he had evaded a ball that was flying their way, eyes were definitely on the wing spiker.

‘It is Lee Taeyong. The Vice-captain.’

Oddly enough. He wondered why his mind thought it would be Hendery.

It was truly mysterious how the swimmer is now occupying his mind. Jaehyun tried to reason it out that it was due to him missing out on a friendship that could have bloomed as the semester started a few months ago but it was also due to that weight that Hendery was shouldering that only know he had noticed.


	2. 002

_I wonder what was I looking for in this world? Is it a sense of reassurance? A sense of pride? Or a sense of recognition?_

_I could not put my fingers onto it._

_I do not know what I want in this world as… everything seems so bleak for me._

_Even waking up in the morning has become a chore for me._

_Washing my face has become a chore or sometimes a burden._

_To feed this vessel of mine has also become a burden…_

_Even breathing becomes tiresome._

_I do not know what I am ought to chase in this life as everything has become laid out in front of me… or so… I have been told by everyone around me._

_This life, this life that I have managed to grasp within my very hand is something that was perfectly laid out for me so why should I wonder for a moment if there is… something missing?_

_I know something is missing within me but what is it? I could press my finger onto any of the answers in my head because I know very well that none of the options, I have now perfectly solved the answer._

_Yet life goes on, time does not wait for someone and it certainly does not wait for me._

* * *

‘If you don’t pay enough attention to this class… you might fail and have to retake this subject. Do you want that?’ The look on Hendery’s face was nothing short but judgmental towards the setter but he did not feel the negative emotion affecting him… even an ounce.

‘It is only literature discourse, I have nothing to worry on that but please let me see if there is anything that I have missed because the lad is prone to day-dreaming here,’ The setter too was well aware that his attitude towards this class is akin to a middle-schooler but he has nothing to lose here as there is nothing else that matters now that he had Hendery’s attention.

Hendery who has yet to place the book into his bag afford to only sigh while handing his book to Jaehyun and eyes looking outside the window. The swimmer’s action intrigued Jaehyun into thinking whether the other was not one to socialise.

‘Hey just to ask about your swimming team… I heard you guys are in the top five?’

‘Yes, we are… When I rolled in, we were fifth and now we are the fourth-best…’

‘Wow, that’s fantastic, really!’ Jaehyun’s eyes, if only Hendery had seen in that moment was adorned with admiration but the latter was too keen on admiring the blue sky.

‘I heard that your ace is… Wait, I swear to God I remember his name before the cla---’

‘Taeyong,’ The small smile on Hendery’s face truly caught the setter by surprise.

Was that admiration that he noticed in the smile? Or was it sadness? Or was it both concocted together? Whatever it was… Jaehyun could not put his finger on what was it that he had just witnessed. Realizing it was rude to stare, the setter moved his gaze away only to look at the carefully written notes.

He knew it was best to find another focal point in the conversation by asking,

‘What is your speciality though?’

‘Pardon?’

‘Backstroke… My stroke is the backstroke,’ From the way, Hendery gripped onto his bag’s strap tighter was effective to send him a message that he wished for the conversation to end there so he could take his leave.

‘I will see you whenever?’

The look on the swimmer’s face as he spoke those words, Jaehyun definitely could not make a smart guess whether or not he was welcomed into the man’s life even as a classmate or a mere stranger. Something, something about Hendery’s eyes they are inviting but as well as rejecting to those who look at them.

‘Sure… Whenever it is then,’

* * *

‘You’re the worst, Mr Suh’

‘Tell me something that I don’t know Jaehyun, I am always good at making people feel bad,’ The wiggle on Johnny’s brow even if it how potent it was to make Jaehyun rolled his eyes it did not, however, missed a familiar face who was static on his feet.

Odd that he is now encountering him at a place like this after practice.

‘Someone you know right there?’ Johnny stood beside him as he also looked on the person that caught Jaehyun’s attention.

‘That was the classmate that I talked about last week… the one in the swimming team?’

‘Oho, that is the guy, wh—Excuse me’

The ringtone was telling enough on what Johnny will say next to him and the answer to that is,

‘My girlfriend, she demands a dinner together and I am off! See you tomorrow!’

Jaehyun, who has no control over anyone’s relationship could afford to wave his teammate goodbye before catching a look on Hendery one last time before he leaves for the day.

It was not odd for one to be standing at a singular place for a long time, they could be one a phone-call or contemplating about the world but the way that the swimmer stood there, froze in a posture that is akin to rigidity piqued an interest for Jaehyun to approach the former and approach he did.

‘Hey there, Hendery!’ He greeted the man as he walked.

His steps were not cautious; the way his shoes stepped onto the tarred path must have caught the other’s attention but the sound of it but Hendery’s eyes were blank. Blank as the definition of tabula rasa would be with only tears streaming down his face.

The sight enough was effective for Jaehyun to haste to the man’s side with his hand pulling out a handkerchief from his pocket.

‘Hey, Hendery! Are you okay?’

His question was only replied by the stream of tears that became faster akin to a river after rain and sobs were muffled by the swimmer’s hand came to shield his face away from the setter.

It was a dumb question, Jaehyun noted.

Of course, the man would not be okay considering he was crying even before Jaehyun had approached him and the way his tears had become worsen was a telltale sign that greeting was not welcomed.

What could a person do? What could a person do to console another who is in pain? He has his share of feeling upset and sadness that brought him to tears but to see a person who had just known for two weeks in this kind of state? The criteria were enough to make him a clueless man that all he could do was just to stand beside the swimmer while his hand on the latter’s back that only comforting rub is given.

Will it be odd to say? To see a singular weight that was weighing on this person’s shoulder has come down unfurling, undone on this very moment?

Maybe Hendery is an open book or maybe he is not but at that moment, Jaehyun sworn… He believed that Hendery needed this moment.

A moment to himself.


	3. 003

The smell of chlorinated pool.

The way filtered sunlight refracted into the water.

The sound of the body moving against the pool’s rippled current.

They were descriptions that had been synonymous in Hendery’s life. So synonymous that once upon a time that the swimmer believed he could not live if either one had been taken away from him.

However, time goes on, things change and so does one’s priorities. Being able to freely swim was not a luxury that rings through in Hendery’s head anymore and that now his goal lies in a buzzer, time and speed. Key factors being one of the best swimmers in the whole country.

‘To be able to swim as great as Taeyong is… that will be amazing,’ Hendery thought once as he watched on the ace swimmer be one with the currents in such a great speed that the latter had dreamed all of his life.

‘Hendery… your backstroke is amazing, I am not going to lie with that amazing dynamic stroke but is there anything wrong?’ The face that his captain wears somehow flooded him more with annoyance.

Annoyance or perhaps grievance on the fact that he is weak. He is being left behind and that his talent will be reduced to the lesser ones in the whole team.

‘Your stroke has become rougher and dare I say sometimes you just look… absent while swimming. Is there anything?’

All eyes are on him and even that ace’s too. It suffocates him inside but what could he do? Suck it all in and closed his eyes to only shake his head in dismay.

‘No sir, it is just that studies have been a lot on my plate.’

‘All of us are students here so… If you need help, I suggest that you consult our manager about it and any study guides… you may find your peers as well. You are great, Hendery and it would be a shame if you keep on deteriorating. Am I understood?’

‘Yes, chief!’

* * *

‘You don’t look too good these days, Hendery… are you sure that.. you know, that you are okay?’

Taeyong, he has this calming voice, noted Hendery’s head.

The calming voice complimented the glow that the former had always radiated be it during swimming or not. Hendery knew that he was star-struck on the very day he had enrolled in the team and even more when the first time he had watched Taeyong swim.

The speed that has been personally blessed by the omnipotent power above them and the grace that is even more beautiful than a plucked lyre; No one could come close to the talent that Taeyong has.

Though there is something that is bubbling within the swimmer, he knew that the vice-captain meant well on asking his well-being but part of him felt insulted. Insulted for no apparent reason that it drove him angry.

Angry towards himself that was accumulating these negative emotions that had no projection nor an outlet for them to run loose.

‘Yes, I am fine… Taeyong, I am sure that you… have nothing to worry about. The assignments have been… a little bit crazy on my schedule and I am trying to manage them,’

He could hear the devil whispers into his ears into convincing that Taeyong’s concern for him is just fake. The latter could rejoice the minute that Hendery admits his weakness.

‘Taeyong is secretly happy that you are fucking up your time, huh?’

‘Hey, I can talk to Junho into letting you have few days off, you know? Take your time off the club to finish whatever you have to do so you can focus on practice, yeah?’

‘Oh yeah? So what? You can have all the time to improve yourself while I am just stuck in the mud? Convenient for you, Lee Taeyong.’

These thoughts, these bad thoughts that were running madly in his heads were enough to make the swimmer clenched his fist in hope to vanquish the devils away instead they become and resonate stronger in his head that it was translated into him slamming his locker’s door.

The shocked look on Taeyong’s face was enough to tell Hendery that he must have crossed the line. He was being disrespectful towards a person who was just looking out for that him. The very expression that his vice-captain was wearing sent adrenaline pumping out all over his blood, his extremities became cold and that in his head, all he could do was run.

He had never been so scared in his life.

He had never been so mad in his life.

He had never felt so threatened either in his life.

Ah.

‘What would you call these things that have surged into you so suddenly?’ Questioned Hendery to himself as he stood in a place in which second felt like as if years had passed.

‘Why do you let these things consume you, Hendery?’ He could hear his heartbeat violently against his ribcage and his lungs were incompetent enough in taking enough oxygen.

‘What have you become?’ He was too speechless in reasoning his action that all he could do was letting tears stream down his face without hindrance while his extremities welcome coldness even more.

The heightened emotions rendered his muscles failed to move even when he knew well that he should be heading home to recuperate his tired vessel.

‘Hey, Hendery!’ A voice called to him.

A state of him crying? Well, how debilitating. How embarrassing.

He has not cried in public in his entire life and now someone has become his witness? How…. How excruciatingly painful that he did not mind at all to disappear from the face of the earth if someone had caught him being in this state.

‘Are you okay?’

The question had sent him into thinking: when was the last time that he felt okay?

He even tried to definite the term ‘okay’ in his head; Clearly, he had forgotten the meaning behind it after all the time he was pushed to his edge and constantly in the state of worry.

Unable to answer the query thrown at him, it made the swimmer cover his face in agony and almost in shame too. What kind of person would he be if he cannot answer a question that is as simple as ‘are you okay?’

I am not okay,  
I am miserable,  
I wish to disappear,

Those were the phrases that he wished to articulate as clear as day but he could not with the amount of expectation hurdled onto his shoulder.

He wishes… he wished that he could disappear in this very moment however the comforting motion on his back… it pulled him back from derailing into thoughts dipped in madness.

That in the end, all he could conclude was that:

**He is tired.**


End file.
